Yes, I'm Really a Unicorn. Now, Hold Still...

By Michele Freeman

DON'T FREAK OUT. I mean, not yet. Yes, I’m really a unicorn. Oh, my God. I so don’t care that you’re not a virgin. Sheesh. Uncle Glitterbutt asks for a virgin one time a thousand years ago, and that’s the thing humans remember about us.

I’m from Merchandising Security and Inventory Management. It’s part of Fairy, Incorporated. Oh, c’mon. You’ve heard of the tooth fairy, right? Honestly, I don’t know how those teeth-collecting freaks became the face of the company. Yeah, yeah, they look pretty. They’re tiny and vicious, you know. And they build their little cities with molars and bicuspids. Disgusting.

Duh. I know you didn’t offer anyone your teeth. But you did offer both of your kidneys to an organ fairy so you could have your best friend’s boyfriend. I hope you enjoyed the year of bliss you had with someone who wasn’t really in love with you. I don’t usually take such a personal interest in cases like yours, but I really, really hate cheaters. Especially ones that force other people into relationships. You should be ashamed of yourself. And to try and disappear after the bill comes due?

That’s just rude.

Love wishes are the most difficult and that’s probably why your assigned organ fairy wouldn’t settle for just one kidney. Don’t bother. I’m not authorized to change the terms of your original deal, and before you ask, I can’t make a new deal with you, either. My job is to track down absconders. Fugitives, honey. I’m talking about you being a fugitive. Someone who runs away from the law. In the fairy world, I’m the law.

Sweet marmalade. You are dumb as as a rock. Maybe you should’ve traded one of your organs for a college education. At least then you’d know the meanings of abscond and fugitive. I’m beginning to see why you needed to make a wish with an organ fairy to get Sarah’s boyfriend. He’s invented that thing that does other thing, right? Smart guy. Oh, you were more interested in his looks and money. Figures.

Stop! Don’t make me--fudgesicles. You made me use the glitter. Yes, it’s sticky. That’s why you’re pinned to the wall now. It smells bad? It came from my anus. Unicorn glitter is in our anal glands so we when we excrete--um, expel. You don’t know that word, either? It’s glitter poop. I sprayed you with glitter poop.

What am I going to do now? I’m going to kill you. Horribly. Slowly. No, I’m not kidding. Why do you think my golden horn is so sharp? The better to impale you with. I have to avoid the kidneys, but the Corpse Fairies don’t really care what shape the rest of your body is in. So, I’ll start by puncturing your calves and work my way up your thighs. I’ll pierce your arms. Shoulders. And when you’re bleeding and screaming and begging for mercy...

I’ll gouge out your heart.

Oh, for fu--sigh. Gouge means stab, honey. Here, let me show you.

Photo by Marco Secchi on Unsplash

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